Trust

Where do I even begin? I started this year off wanting to not live in the past and only live in the moment, do things for myself, and truly make this year about me and what I want. I've come to the point though where I feel I need to really break down some walls and talk about trust.

I've been divorced for two years in July. I have yet to have a "real" relationship since that time. I tend to keep people at an arms length, likely because of my lack of faith and trust in people in general. I had a heart to heart with a dear friend of mine last week where I broke down into tears. You see, she and I have been friends since my divorce and she has been there for me through pretty much everything. She said I had been "off" lately and I wanted to know what she meant by that. She said she couldn't say what it was exactly, but I just didn't seem like myself. I always have a lot going on in my head, and this past month hasn't been any different. I came to the realization that I feel totally alone because of the lack of trust and intimacy in any relationship: platonic and non-platonic.  I told her straight up that I don't allow anyone to truly get to know me, because it is scary AF, and I feel alone all the time. As much as I say I want to love hard and free fall, I'm so scared. I'm scared out of my mind. I don't ever want to feel out of control of my life like I did two years ago. I don't ever want to feel like I did three years ago. It's literally heart wrenching to think that I could feel like that again.

Now, it's not to say that I haven't dated, because I have. But it never lasts long. I can't tell if it's because of me, or because I'm scared of the whole commitment thing. I like the idea of not being tied down, because that way, I can't get hurt. If I don't need to rely on one single person, then I am only responsible for myself and my own actions. If I'm not in a relationship, then I can come and go as I please, continue to live my life independently, and still have fun.

I'm at this point where I realize what I'm doing, but can I really change? I'm not playing the damsel in distress but seriously WTF is wrong with me? I truly feel as if I'm just the girl that gets cheated on. I'm the girl that is the rebound, I'm the girl who fulfills whatever need is missing until the next perfect catch comes along. But I am a great catch, I truly am. I have my shit together (for the most part) and apparently that's intimidating, or I just haven't found the right one yet. 

I go through this cycle when I first meet someone. I think, okay great, here we go, I'm into this, I can be vulnerable, I can put myself out there. But it all comes down to trust. I just can't do it. I can't trust a single person. I don't know what I'm waiting for. And I can't trust not just in a relationship, but with anyone. I've become this superficial person who is present in everyone's life, and I want to know them, but I can't let them into my own life, and know my deeper soul. How sad is that? How sad is that to go about life not wanting to let people in because you're so scared to be judged, or hurt, or left not knowing what they're thinking. Yup, those are the things that go through my mind every time I start talking.

So, as I sit here, typing these words out for all my "readers" to view, I'm putting myself out there. I have trust issues and I'm not sure when I'll figure that all out. But until I do, please bare with me, continue to support me in my effort to open up more. But for me to feel safe, I need someone to be vulnerable first and show me their emotional side before I feel comfortable enough to show my true self and get vulnerable. As strong as I am, and thick skin to criticism and comments, I want to feel like I matter. I want to know that by me trusting someone else I can feel safe. There have been too many times where I trusted too soon or thought I could trust someone, and I ended up getting burned in the end, which is why I am so careful.

Who knows if I will ever get to the point where I don't constantly overthink things, but I guess I can only hope. I tell myself to relax and have faith, and believe that people are truthful in what they say, but 90% of me is skeptical, and I hate it.

The one person I gave my heart to, the person I felt that I could trust, and put all my faith and trust in, took that away. After trusting someone with your heart and soul for such a long time, I think it will only take time to heal from such a loss. By no means am I dwelling in the past, or pining over it all, but it was a pretty big deal.

I don't want to point fingers at why I feel like this, because I know there are countless reasons. This is my opportunity to put it out there, and for me to stare at it straight in the face and make a conscious effort to make a change. As I've said in a handful of other blog posts, this year is about me and being the best version of myself, and that includes being able to trust....baby steps right? You have to crawl before you walk.