I feel like I have a heavy heart going into this next week of distant learning. Everything seems to come crashing down the moment I get all the plates spinning in the right direction and at the right pace. In an instant life can change. A person can call and change the entire night based on what was said.
Co-parenting is really hard some times. I think the move back has helped, but I'm back in the position of where A wants to know all of my personal stuff. While I appreciate his feedback, it truly isn't his business. After being out of a relationship for almost a year, I'm ready to date again. It's not like I have people lining up outside my door asking me for my number. People are meeting online these days. I'm open, but seriously, the whole trusting part is getting the best of me.
I had someone ask me if I would be happy if I never found someone to live the rest of my life with. While that question caught me off guard, I didn't hesitate to answer; of course I would be fine. I've been doing the single parent thing since K was born. Dating is about making a connection and finding someone who makes you want to be a better person. For me, I want a teammate, and a partner. Not another dad for K, but someone that completes me.
I watched P.S. I Love You the other night and it might be one of my favorite movies to watch when I'm in a crummy mood. She found her person. The person that would light up her day. The person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with; and he dies.
As I've moved on with my life, and have accepted a lot of change I see myself wanting to find that next right person. I don't know when it will happen or how, but I feel like I'm ready. While I don't think my body is by any means ready AKA lets get to the gym ASAP, I have to love myself before I can love someone else. My anxiety will always be at the forefront of every situation, but it is part of who I am. I overthink, I worry, I go over situations in my head a thousand times and none of them ever actually happen. I just am looking for a nice guy who is honest, treats me with respect, and doesn't live a significant distance from where I live. I don't feel as though these are high expectations, but apparently this is a pretty tough list to fill. I always fall for the guy who lives too far away, is passionate about work and barely has time for a relationship. Who would think it would be so damn difficult to find someone with their shit together like I do? Am I really just that much ahead of the curve, or did I just screw myself over with picking the wrong guy the first time. Maybe this is Karma, and I don't know what to do to fix Karma. I've been listening to a lot more Christian music, maybe that will help.....fingers crossed.
I just feel as though I'm at this crossroads of figuring out what I want to do. I was passed over for a position within the district due to "past practice" rules, which has really gotten me bummed out. Especially when it would have been a perfect fit and in a place where my tool box fits and I've taught that subject area. I get frustrated with politics and how I don't feel like a person that is cared about, but just another number. If you read my last post then you would know how much I rethink the decision of coming back here....and here I am again writing about it. I just don't know if I would have been better of turning down this job and waited out another year for the job at the high school....I guess I will never know the true answer to that one.
This is a super random post, but I felt the need to write tonight. It seems to help me clear my head. As previously stated, I'm an over-thinker. I met this guy on Tinder....great app I know. We've been talking for a few weeks and have planned to meet up. We've talked on the phone quite a few times and I've been getting a good feeling about it. I've always thought of myself as an old soul, which would likely mean I need to date a guy who is older than me. In my past relationships that hasn't really been the case. The dating world is so different than it was when I was in college..and I didn't really date seriously in college. I had a few boyfriends, but nothing that ever lasted longer than 6 months. I truly thought I would never find "The One." As we all know, I did, or I thought I did, and well, here I am 10 years later and single and on the market once again. I wish I had a glass ball that would tell me my future to give me some piece of mind. Every relationship teaches you something. I wouldn't have realized that I deserve to be appreciated if I hadn't been in my last relationship. I have learned that it is okay to put myself first and I don't always have to fix everyone. It's okay to not agree on the same thing just to avoid conflict. I have grown so much as a person over this past year to where I feel like I am in a really good space. Adding in a relationship scares me, because old habits die hard. It takes a lot of effort to not go back to old habits when you're in a relationship or trying to be a better version of yourself. I've realized that I spent so much of my life being fake or being someone someone else wanted me to be that I truly didn't even know who I was. I identified myself by the person he made me be, not by choice. I wear my heart on my sleeve which makes me vulnerable, and easily hurt. But if you don't put yourself out there, you'll never learn how to bounce back, and miss out on some great opportunities. If I could just find my missing puzzle piece, it would make life so much easier.
However, I'm not one to settle...because I'm an over-thinker :)
Today is Mother's Day and I was fortunate to spend time with my mom, K, and my sister in law. I had half the day to myself and enjoyed binge watching Dead to Me on Netflix and even got a 3.2 mile run in....I ran into the wind the entire time...but every mile counts. Hot bath post run, caught up on some school work, and now adding another blog post for the week.
As random as this post has been, I do have to be thankful to be gainfully employed, a house and mortgage that I can afford, and parents close by to help out when needed. I need to remind myself that I am fortunate to have the things I do have. There is going to always be someone who is worst off than you, but never dismiss your feelings. You have a right to feel that way, and it is okay to not be okay.
I have to find a way to end this post, so I am going to end it with some lyrics that I have been listening too a lot of these past few days. Queens don't apologize for something they didn't do wrong. Queens stand up for themselves and for what they deserve. I am a queen, but not high maintenance.
I wasn't raised in a castle
I grew up on the outskirts of town
No dresses with golden tassels
The rings on my hand are handed down
But I'm gonna find the one that needs me, sees me
And treats me like I'm already royalty
There ain't nothing priceless on my wrist
I might not fly private, but that don't mean I ain't a queen
I grew up on the outskirts of town
No dresses with golden tassels
The rings on my hand are handed down
But I'm gonna find the one that needs me, sees me
And treats me like I'm already royalty
There ain't nothing priceless on my wrist
I might not fly private, but that don't mean I ain't a queen
Queens don't hate, queens don't fight
Queens don't stay unless their king treats her right, oh
Every jewel on my crown, you better believe I earned it
Won't keep people around that don't believe I deserve it
No, queens ain't fake
A queen's gonna rule just the way she was made, oh
I ain't 'bout to let nobody come and take me off this throne
Some girls might, but queens don't
Queens don't stay unless their king treats her right, oh
Every jewel on my crown, you better believe I earned it
Won't keep people around that don't believe I deserve it
No, queens ain't fake
A queen's gonna rule just the way she was made, oh
I ain't 'bout to let nobody come and take me off this throne
Some girls might, but queens don't
No, I don't need the tallest tower
To prove to anyone I ain't weak
I turn my pain into power
Every tear's a diamond on my cheek
To prove to anyone I ain't weak
I turn my pain into power
Every tear's a diamond on my cheek
Source: LyricFind
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