I have had the opportunity to binge watch some old favorites on Hulu this past weekend due to illness on my part and then Miss K with strep for 2 days.
It got me thinking about a lot of things. 1)My future 2) My past 3) Happiness 4) Life
1. My future:
This has always been a struggle for me. I've always thought of the positive and negatives of large decisions, but I also take into account on what others will think. Now with being "tied" to another 1/2 I feel as though my decisions on making my life better are always determined by him. I do everything in my power to move on and be the best version of myself, but never feel like anything will ever be good enough. Not a good enough relationship, not a good enough career, and definitely not a good enough mom. I don't do enough for her, I'm not doing enough STEM activities at home with her. I don't cook enough home cooked meals during the week for her, and I don't make a cold lunch everyday. These insecurities reminded me of that these are things that I will either just have to accept and move on or just recognize them and deal with them. In reality, can we really ever be completely satisfied with everything in our life? Maybe there are people out there that are, and I would love to meet them. But for me, I wish that these insecurities would go away.
2. My past:
A friend of mine shared a post on Facebook about how you shouldn't live with the mistakes of your past. Unfortunately, I'm attached to my past for the next 18 years. Regardless of who this is, there is still this fear that lives inside of me based on moments of the past. It is something I can't shake, and don't know what will solve it. It has ruined relationships and continues to do so.
3. Happiness
Isn't this what we all strive for in life? This is part of the American dream right? I went back to school to obtain m educator's license in health and physical education. But being in this job for the last year has me thinking of-all the things that I have failed at. I don't believe that anything will be good enough. A relationship won't be enough. The perfect job won't be good enough. I have this desire to always want more and to continue to grow. However, I have a tendency to follow my heart instead of my gut and always look back and wonder what would have happened if I would have made a different decision.
4. Life
I recently sent a text to a friend that said that I wish I had a do-over in so many situations. Not just now, but things even in high school. I missed out on the traditional experiences that most teenagers experience, but I was too busy with activities and making a list of extra-curricular activities for scholarships for college. I missed the parties, the breaking of curfew, and the boyfriends/relationships.
Being on my own for almost the past year has taught me a lot and has opened my eyes to a lot of things. Being alone and on my own, I'm limited on what I can do during the week. K is always by my side at every school event, but she gets to know my students and they LOVE her.
Some days being a truly single mom is harder than others. Others I feel like, wow I made it, and I can make a difference in this girls life. The single mom life is a rollercoaster, just like being a teacher.
There is no book that will ever prepare you for the first year of being a first-year teacher. The things they teach you in college will not prepare you for your own classroom. It will keep your head spinning the entire year. The best advice I've gotten this year is, "Your first year is just about keeping your head above water." As a new teacher you come in with the attitude of wanting to change the world and change how the students feel about health. There will be moments of success, and there will be moments of pure hair pulling out. Sometimes the hair pulling out happens at school. There will be tears at school during prep, and tears when you get home because you just feel like you aren't doing enough. I've reached out to many online social forums asking for help and whether these feeling are normal and my responses have been, "Yes! This is totally normal. Your first year is always the hardest." There are days that I cry and have no idea why. There are days when I'm super passionate about a lesson but all I hear from my students is complaints. My philosophy as a teacher is to get all of our standards in, but in a way where the students can apply these skills to their own life. I told them the other day that they will look back on their 10th grade health when they are about 25, and realize that what I taught them is actually true and now would be a good time to implement it. We also talked about how regardless of how many ways I can help you make the right decision, the likelihood of them choosing the better decision isn't going to happen, even if they know the right way to make a decision!
There are days that I am speechless as to what comes out of my high school students' mouths, and other days when the lesson I had planned gets thrown out the window and we find a topic that the majority of the class is interested in and we run with it. At this stage in education, in order to engage students we have to find a way to make it interesting to them. While I understand that health is not everyone's passion like mine, there are still certain things that you need to know, which at this moment, I feel there is such a lack of previous knowledge that makes it harder to teach at a higher level.
Veteran teachers have said that 3rd quarter is a tough month. Getting into 4th quarter begins testing, and then the count down is on. I am happy to say I am almost to the end of my first year, yet scared to death of what my 2nd year of teaching will bring. I'll have more experience, yet so much unpredictability.
To any teachers to who find this blog, know that I've been there. Thinking of options after this year. Thinking, why did I go back to school and spend another $40,000 on 2 years of school for a salary that I started at when I first graduated from school in 2008. Our jobs are important, but we are unappreciated by so many, that it makes some days harder than it should be. An apology can go a long way. A compliment from a veteran teacher can make you feel like you actually know what you are doing. A positive comment from a student or a comment from a parent of a student really hits home with me.
I'm at the point where I need to decide what I want to do and I don't know what to do. I make decision based on my heart, and not my head or my gut. I worry about what others will think, and I think about the consequences of making choices that might not be as great as they seem. I will be looking for guidance in the near future to figure out where my path is supposed to lead.
As always, make someone's day brighter, and always be kind.
~A
Comments