There have been a lot of changes the past 4 months. 2.5 year relationship ended, which I'm still struggling to find peace with. Long-distance relationships are hard. Harder than anything I've ever had to do before...well, driving 200 miles a day was pretty exhausting and taking 25 credits was a little over the top. However, long distance takes work and effort. It's easy to get into a routine and live your life without your person in it every day.
On my way to work today I had this sense of hurt on my heart. The scars are resurfacing. The scars from 6 years ago. The scars from 10 years ago. The scars of incompatible relationships. The scars of not feeling like I'm worth the time to be put first. By no means do I believe that I'm above anyone else, or need the title of being a princess. Every person deserves to feel as though they are valued; whether it is valued as a co-worker, partner, friend, or coach. This applies to all ages....everyone deserves to feel worthy and value from someone.
Three years ago, I met this amazing person right as I was starting out my first semester of driving to Moorhead for school. It was at the most random place and random time. We have stayed in touch over the years. There have been some good times and not so great ones, but he was someone I could count on. He somehow always had the right words to make the stress not seem like such a big deal. I consider this person to be one of my best friends, because of how true of a person I am in front of them....and that doesn't happen too often. There are a handful of people who know the real Alyssa. The deep dark stuff. I am fortunate to have them here to be supportive. But at the same time, there are scars from the past 3 years that are resurfacing, and reminding me that actions speak louder than words. You can say all you want about how you've changed or how you want things to be different, but until you act on it, it is just words. That is what the last 4 years have been...a lot of words and little action.
So how does one get beyond the words and avoid that feeling of, "what the hell is wrong with me?" I re-read a few posts from last school year when I was away from family in every inch of my life....and it was peaceful. I didn't feel like I had so many people to please all the time. It was less chaotic, in a sense that the schedule was predictable. I was totally stressed, but I figured it out by the end of the year and was excited to give year two a try.
It has been a tough transition and I feel more alone than ever here back in a town that I thought I would never come back to. I know it is what is best for K, but I'm the new kid that no one wants to play with, or be around. Whereas, being the new kid last year was AMAZING. Those people were inclusive from the very beginning, which is what made that school have such an amazing culture.
I don't need a relationship to feel value. I don't need a boyfriend to give me self worth and purpose. My purpose is to be the best mom I can. To teach the value of physical activity. Navigate my dysfunctional family and know when enough is enough.
Life will never get easier. It will never slow down, and I'll never be able to change the past. The only thing I can change is the future. I cross my fingers everyday hoping that today will make me feel like I'm enough, and I'm doing enough for every plate that I've got in the air right now.
I guess you have to love yourself before you can share your heart and love someone else. Maybe I need to take the time and work on me, before I can give my heart to someone else again.
Just my thoughts for a Thursday that I needed to share, because it doesn't seem as if anyone else can relate or understand what I have going on in life. I hold it all in to be strong, but I'm running out of room. I thought I had the person I could rely on to be my extra support, but it's hard to feel that full support when you're hundred of miles away.
Last night at our 1st year Induction meeting we talked about flat tires and when and what we feel when we are losing air in our tires. I feel as though I get to the end of this post, I'm just about out of air.
Happy Thursday...Be the kind word someone needs to day; you never know what battles they are carrying.
-A
On my way to work today I had this sense of hurt on my heart. The scars are resurfacing. The scars from 6 years ago. The scars from 10 years ago. The scars of incompatible relationships. The scars of not feeling like I'm worth the time to be put first. By no means do I believe that I'm above anyone else, or need the title of being a princess. Every person deserves to feel as though they are valued; whether it is valued as a co-worker, partner, friend, or coach. This applies to all ages....everyone deserves to feel worthy and value from someone.
Three years ago, I met this amazing person right as I was starting out my first semester of driving to Moorhead for school. It was at the most random place and random time. We have stayed in touch over the years. There have been some good times and not so great ones, but he was someone I could count on. He somehow always had the right words to make the stress not seem like such a big deal. I consider this person to be one of my best friends, because of how true of a person I am in front of them....and that doesn't happen too often. There are a handful of people who know the real Alyssa. The deep dark stuff. I am fortunate to have them here to be supportive. But at the same time, there are scars from the past 3 years that are resurfacing, and reminding me that actions speak louder than words. You can say all you want about how you've changed or how you want things to be different, but until you act on it, it is just words. That is what the last 4 years have been...a lot of words and little action.
So how does one get beyond the words and avoid that feeling of, "what the hell is wrong with me?" I re-read a few posts from last school year when I was away from family in every inch of my life....and it was peaceful. I didn't feel like I had so many people to please all the time. It was less chaotic, in a sense that the schedule was predictable. I was totally stressed, but I figured it out by the end of the year and was excited to give year two a try.
It has been a tough transition and I feel more alone than ever here back in a town that I thought I would never come back to. I know it is what is best for K, but I'm the new kid that no one wants to play with, or be around. Whereas, being the new kid last year was AMAZING. Those people were inclusive from the very beginning, which is what made that school have such an amazing culture.
I don't need a relationship to feel value. I don't need a boyfriend to give me self worth and purpose. My purpose is to be the best mom I can. To teach the value of physical activity. Navigate my dysfunctional family and know when enough is enough.
Life will never get easier. It will never slow down, and I'll never be able to change the past. The only thing I can change is the future. I cross my fingers everyday hoping that today will make me feel like I'm enough, and I'm doing enough for every plate that I've got in the air right now.
I guess you have to love yourself before you can share your heart and love someone else. Maybe I need to take the time and work on me, before I can give my heart to someone else again.
Just my thoughts for a Thursday that I needed to share, because it doesn't seem as if anyone else can relate or understand what I have going on in life. I hold it all in to be strong, but I'm running out of room. I thought I had the person I could rely on to be my extra support, but it's hard to feel that full support when you're hundred of miles away.
Last night at our 1st year Induction meeting we talked about flat tires and when and what we feel when we are losing air in our tires. I feel as though I get to the end of this post, I'm just about out of air.
Happy Thursday...Be the kind word someone needs to day; you never know what battles they are carrying.
-A
Comments