While I know this title for this post is cliche, it has been the theme of my life since almost a year ago. I loved my job, had amazing co-workers, but was away from family. A job opportunity came my way and I struggled to know if it was the right move. Was it something that I really wanted? The move would be better for K and the ability to co-parent, but I needed to feel value in my career. I had all of that from where I came from, and was hoping to find it here.
As the year has progressed, I have been through a gauntlet of emotions, roller coaster of life events, and attempting to navigate the new normal. I used every available tool to get a grip on my new position; to be the best I could be. I have a passion, which is why I went back to school. I feel my passion dying and fading. Not because I don't like teaching, but because I don't feel connected. I have that feeling of being forced to play a sport that I'm really not passionate about.
I remember growing up and being in the pool since I was 3-years-old. I was a swimmer. I did lessons, and was a lifeguard. I swam all through high school. I remember the summer of my senior year and thinking about not wanting to swim in the fall. I didn't want to swim, and had lost interest in it. I found a job I loved and loved having my own money to start saving for college. Regardless, I still went out for the season. It was an underwhelming season for me. I didn't have the drive to make sections. I went to practice, put in the time for dry land training, but I was involved and would get out of practice any chance I could. I was the A-Club president and had to leave practice early on Fridays for football games to run concessions. I just had lost my willingness to be there. It wasn't that I didn't like being part of the team or being in the pool, I just had lost the drive.
As the rain greens the grass, and we are in "unprecedented times" IE: COVID19, I have this dread in my stomach. I think about how I felt last year knowing the year was coming to an end, and knowing the changes I wanted to make to be a better teacher. As I come to the end of this year, I wonder what it will feel like going through another year of traveling. I wonder if I will get that passion. I thought I had jumped through enough hoops to get back to where I belong. My comfort zone and skill set belongs at the high school level.
I remember being in the last semester of education classes where we taught in front of our peers. My constant feedback was, "Alyssa, you will be an amazing health teacher." And that is exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be a full-time health teacher. I had that job, and I LOVED that job. I will never understand politics of education, but I loved not having to deal with politics where I was. I spent countless hours in my Facebook Health group looking for the next greatest activity to try in class. I've lost that, and I don't know how to get it back. I've had jobs that I've pushed through, but this one is one for the books. I thought that things might finally work out for me. I thought that maybe I would get my wish...but not all dreams do come true. If I had to pick between my perfect house or the job of my dreams I think I would pick the job. But what if you had the job of your dreams and you gave that up for someone else. Someone who would benefit from it more than you would? What would you do?
It has been a trying year, with a lot of frustrations. In a time of isolation it is hard to find the good this year has brought. I do know it has brought better communication between A and I. K has adjusted for the better being back, but selfishly, I have not adjusted.
I consider myself to have a growth mindset, especially with all of the obstacles I've had over the last 10 years, but this past year has had me stuck in the mud with the tires spinning. I'm selfish to want it all; the relationship, the career, the home. But if I can't have it all, what are the best things to have?
I taught the health triangle to both my 8th and 10th graders. The health triangle is your social, mental/emotional, and physical health. When one of these pieces is unbalanced, your triangle is unbalanced. Therefore, you need to find ways to fill the lacking piece of the triangle to balance everything out once again....make sense? No one has a perfectly balanced triangle. We are all lacking in some aspect of our life. The important part of the lesson is being able to acknowledge the areas that are lacking, and finding ways to balance out your triangle. I have been searching all year for ways to balance my triangle, and I am still coming up short.
Someone once told me, "You'll never be happy. Nothing will ever be good enough." I think I have believed that for a really long time. There is always something more that I want to achieve. However, I think that is a positive thing. I shouldn't settle for mediocrity. I should continue to strive to be better than the day before, the year before, to the next level of greatness. I want to get my master's degree. I would love to teach at a college one day to prove to the naysayers that I wasn't good enough.
Through all of this, is the grass really greener on the other side? I think it depends on who you ask. And you thought I was going to answer it didn't you.
~A
As the year has progressed, I have been through a gauntlet of emotions, roller coaster of life events, and attempting to navigate the new normal. I used every available tool to get a grip on my new position; to be the best I could be. I have a passion, which is why I went back to school. I feel my passion dying and fading. Not because I don't like teaching, but because I don't feel connected. I have that feeling of being forced to play a sport that I'm really not passionate about.
I remember growing up and being in the pool since I was 3-years-old. I was a swimmer. I did lessons, and was a lifeguard. I swam all through high school. I remember the summer of my senior year and thinking about not wanting to swim in the fall. I didn't want to swim, and had lost interest in it. I found a job I loved and loved having my own money to start saving for college. Regardless, I still went out for the season. It was an underwhelming season for me. I didn't have the drive to make sections. I went to practice, put in the time for dry land training, but I was involved and would get out of practice any chance I could. I was the A-Club president and had to leave practice early on Fridays for football games to run concessions. I just had lost my willingness to be there. It wasn't that I didn't like being part of the team or being in the pool, I just had lost the drive.
As the rain greens the grass, and we are in "unprecedented times" IE: COVID19, I have this dread in my stomach. I think about how I felt last year knowing the year was coming to an end, and knowing the changes I wanted to make to be a better teacher. As I come to the end of this year, I wonder what it will feel like going through another year of traveling. I wonder if I will get that passion. I thought I had jumped through enough hoops to get back to where I belong. My comfort zone and skill set belongs at the high school level.
I remember being in the last semester of education classes where we taught in front of our peers. My constant feedback was, "Alyssa, you will be an amazing health teacher." And that is exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be a full-time health teacher. I had that job, and I LOVED that job. I will never understand politics of education, but I loved not having to deal with politics where I was. I spent countless hours in my Facebook Health group looking for the next greatest activity to try in class. I've lost that, and I don't know how to get it back. I've had jobs that I've pushed through, but this one is one for the books. I thought that things might finally work out for me. I thought that maybe I would get my wish...but not all dreams do come true. If I had to pick between my perfect house or the job of my dreams I think I would pick the job. But what if you had the job of your dreams and you gave that up for someone else. Someone who would benefit from it more than you would? What would you do?
It has been a trying year, with a lot of frustrations. In a time of isolation it is hard to find the good this year has brought. I do know it has brought better communication between A and I. K has adjusted for the better being back, but selfishly, I have not adjusted.
I consider myself to have a growth mindset, especially with all of the obstacles I've had over the last 10 years, but this past year has had me stuck in the mud with the tires spinning. I'm selfish to want it all; the relationship, the career, the home. But if I can't have it all, what are the best things to have?
I taught the health triangle to both my 8th and 10th graders. The health triangle is your social, mental/emotional, and physical health. When one of these pieces is unbalanced, your triangle is unbalanced. Therefore, you need to find ways to fill the lacking piece of the triangle to balance everything out once again....make sense? No one has a perfectly balanced triangle. We are all lacking in some aspect of our life. The important part of the lesson is being able to acknowledge the areas that are lacking, and finding ways to balance out your triangle. I have been searching all year for ways to balance my triangle, and I am still coming up short.
Someone once told me, "You'll never be happy. Nothing will ever be good enough." I think I have believed that for a really long time. There is always something more that I want to achieve. However, I think that is a positive thing. I shouldn't settle for mediocrity. I should continue to strive to be better than the day before, the year before, to the next level of greatness. I want to get my master's degree. I would love to teach at a college one day to prove to the naysayers that I wasn't good enough.
Through all of this, is the grass really greener on the other side? I think it depends on who you ask. And you thought I was going to answer it didn't you.
~A
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