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Does Size Matter?

I have always struggled with accepting my body size and shape. I have never been Barbie thin. My entire life I have always been bigger than my friends, teammates, you name it. It has been an issue that I've struggled with for a really long time. Right after my divorce I was super thin and was working out and teaching group exercises 3 times a week...I loved the way my body looked but I still wasn't happy.

While life and stress makes my weight fluctuate, I still am active and enjoy working out. I cannot wait for the gyms to open back up so I have a place to go and lift. I've been running, and even bought a new pair of running shoes. But this post isn't really about me, it's about the idea of what others see my body as.

I have been open to dating recently and have been on a handful of dates...none that really amounted to anything. There was one, but it was a total friend zone kind of 6 weeks. Great person, just not the right fit. I had a date this weekend and it was really good. Our personalities fit, I could be myself and didn't feel like I was walking on egg shells. On Sunday morning as we were driving around with our Starbucks coffee, he made a comment, which I appreciated, but got me thinking. Let me preface that this guy and I had been talking for about 3 weeks before deciding to meet, so I had a good vibe going into it and felt we had a good understanding of who we both were. I had mentioned on the phone one time that I wasn't a Barbie size, and it was something I had been really insecure about. So, as we were driving he made the comment that I was a bigger girl. He explained that I am just bigger boned and more athletic built. I appreciated his honesty. As I sat there listening to him say these things about me and a body I can't change it made me wonder, does body size matter? He agreed that it was a superficial thing, but he had to decide whether or not it was something he could get over. He told me I was beautiful, but in the same sentence, he isn't used to being with someone "my size." While I know his intention was to not hurt my feelings, it has been on my mind since he said it. I know what I look like and I know that I have work to do. Weight doesn't just come off by wishing it away. Weight and medications and stress all wreck havoc on the body, which are things I do not have control over. I have control over what I put in my mouth, and I have control over how much exercise I do. Whether I lose 40 pounds or 10 pounds, I am who I am, and my personality is pretty awesome. I know it is important to be attracted to the person you are with, and that's the thing. He said he is attracted to me.
While my insecurities about my weight and how I look in the mirror won't change, I will always be true to myself, and if you can't love me for who I am, then I don't want to feel like I am less than worth it.



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