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I wonder if.....

I wonder what my life would be like if I'd never met him. I wonder if my thoughts about myself and the world would have changed if.i had only been stronger. I wonder why life turned out this way.

Why was I the one with the cheating backstabbing husband. I want to move on and find a way to see the good. But putting on the face every morning is becoming exhausting.

Stop living in the past I was told. If you do then you won't be happy. However until the pain and betrayals gone I fear this is my life. Looking at him makes me ill.  Hearing his voice curdels my stomach and knowing I created a second human with him only makes it worse.

He met someone - someone who he thinks it's going to be serious with. Good for him. Maybe I'm upset that we hadn't resolved all our issues and now it's about him and becoming a better person for himself and K, and the new girl.

He said, we obviously weren't meant to be together then why did you ask me to marry you.

People say, things could be worse. But for me, this is the worst.

At what point does enough become enough. Where is my next boiling point?

6 1/2 years is a long time to be with someone.  And this wasn't just a we've changed and are different people divorce.  This was a I went behind your back with your best friend. And again, he's met someone who he wants to be a better person for - Congratulations So don't I deserve some time to grieve,  heal and find the good again?

The biggest problem that has held me back is that all the while I was trying to move on, he was still controlling and in my life telling me what to do. But he doesn't see it that way.

I have this quote by my bed - you are capable of amazing things - maybe.... Someday.... Or not at all.

K, you will be loved and do amazing things. The world is at your feet just don't make the same mistakes I did.

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