If you've followed this blog since it's inception, you know that music, and music lyrics speak to my soul. I think I have had three playlists on repeat the last few weeks. I know is has almost been an entire year since my post on here, but I've also switched gears and started a new blog Behind These Blue Eyes, where I discuss my Long Covid diagnosis, treatments I've tried, and the road to recovery....or at least finding my new normal.
Other than the year I got divorced, this last year has been the most difficult I've ever experienced. From jobs, to relationships, to life, and to health. I really thought the whole dating thing was over for me. I had accepted my independence, the freedom to make choices for me and me alone, and with how unenergetic I had been feeling, how did I really have time anyway for a relationship. Things happen when you least expect them....and I fell fast. Faster than I had ever before. It was too good to be true. I kept telling myself that I deserved this type of happiness. I deserved love where I was felt that I was a priority. But just as soon as I put myself out there, red flag after next starting showing up. I had sold my furniture, gotten rid of my bed, rearranged my house to make room. And I'm still without my king sized bed, or any furniture. Thankfully, I'm borrowing a small two-person recliner loveseat from my mom and dad. Just as quick as a romance can start, it can be over in a matter of seconds. Every person has their tolerance to what they can handle at the time.
I was at the Mayo in October to get the definitive diagnosis of Long Covid. I had already been battling the symptoms for over a year. Not everyone can deal with a chronically ill person, and that's okay. It truly does require a lot of time, effort, and focus. I think the best thing that came from ending the relationship was once again I locked all my feelings and emotions into a box because I knew, I had to take on this new life on my own. My parents have been a great help, but this isn't their fight to fight. It's mine, and one I have to figure out on my own.
It must be a Midwest thing about spring fever....I think around this time every year I decide that I'm ready to date again. I jump on an app for a hot second, then delete it. I seem to be repeating my old behaviors, as once again, I jumped on the dating apps to see what was out there, and let me tell you, there isn't much. Or at least the one's who are on the apps, don't really match up with what I'm looking for. I've decided that I don't have too high of expectations. I don't believe there is a prince charming who is going to give me the world. I do believe though, there is someone who should treat me like I deserve the world. If worse comes to worse, I have a back up plan with a friend when we are retired, we are going to move south together and grow old as companions; I'm okay with that.
I'm so lucky to have a wide variety of friends who are true friends. The type of friends that you can text after months of not talking and they text you right back, and always have the best advice. Last week was one of those weeks where all my emotions were coming out of my eyes in tears. I love that I work at home alone. No one sees me cry, unless my boss wants to have a quick meeting. Thankfully he doesn't point out my red splotchy face, and I wear my trusty baseball cap most days. I grew up during the days of the Mary Kate and Ashely Olsen twin movies, before the anorexia and drug problems. There's a quote in the movie "It Takes Two" that says: It's that can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kind of love." I asked them if this person gets bonus points from the BFFS if he makes a reference to this movie. Their responses were he must be legit if he knows that movie. Between the many memes sent back and forth and me providing more details in the end, this was their advice, "Although the It Takes Two Two passion is the dream, even more so - I hope you find the man who cooks you dinner, who snuggles K while reading chapter books at bedtime, who calls every night on his drive home, who can be your calm in your life storms. Someone consistent. Someone loyal. Someone you can depend on. The passion fades for all of us, but to find a TRUE teammate is the best gift. And I hope you find that."
These ladies have been though it all. To looking for love in all the wrong places, to supporting me in every endeavor I want to take on. I've been the third wheel a lot, which is why I think I like being alone so much. I enjoy the quiet. I can manage on my own. At the same time, it's likely a coping mechanism from past trauma. If I don't have to rely on anyone else, then how can I get hurt. I know that not every date is going to lead to prince charming. And maybe I need to put less pressure on the whole idea of meeting and going out with someone new. Maybe I just need to enjoy the opportunity to learn about one more person who has a different perspective than I do. What's wrong with that? In the end, that makes me a better person being able to have different perspectives and connections.
My overthinking brain the last 4 days has been going over the night minute by minute. Over analyzing the things I said, I was too open, too honest. However, I was being me. I don't do games. I don't do the chase. If that's what someone wants, I'm not that person. I'm an adult, and don't have time for that. I truly believe you meet people in your life for a reason, whether positive or negative. They teach you something. You have to be willing to see it, and use the lesson in the future. You can only change for yourself, and not for someone else, to fit their mold of perfect.
Life is hard. I never thought it would be this hard. So here's to another lesson learned. A night where I haven't laughed like that in a long time. To a night where I let my hair down and relaxed. It was the most fun I have had in a long time. Sharing stories of life, love, and divorce. We all have a past, but it's finding that person that's willing to stand next to you for your future.
So yes, I'm breakable. I'm also resilient, and bounce back; not quite as quickly as I did in my 20's, but I'm still here, making a Lasting Impression.
Comments