Lasting Impressions

 If you've followed this blog since it's inception, you know that music, and music lyrics speak to my soul. I think I have had three playlists on repeat the last few weeks. I know is has almost been an entire year since my post on here, but I've also switched gears and started a new blog Behind These Blue Eyes , where I discuss my Long Covid diagnosis, treatments I've tried, and the road to recovery....or at least finding my new normal. Other than the year I got  divorced, this last year has been the most difficult I've ever experienced. From jobs, to relationships, to life, and to health. I really thought the whole dating thing was over for me. I had accepted my independence, the freedom to make choices for me and me alone, and with how unenergetic I had been feeling, how did I really have time anyway for a relationship. Things happen when you least expect them....and I fell fast. Faster than I had ever before. It was too good to be true. I kept telling myself that...

 I don't even know where to begin. A year ago this week the world started shutting down. The Corona Virus, or COVID-19 has taken over news headlines, stopped normal activities and has made life slow down. As I think about the last year and all the changes that have been thrown my way, I can't believe it has been a year. I'll give a brief update on life and then get to the real grit of my post. I started a new summer weekend gig at a local downtown brewery. It has been so much fun, laid back, and I'm learning a lot about beer. Although wearing masks during the summer on really hots day....not my favorite thing! I continued to help with volleyball during the summer to keep our girls in shape. As fall was approaching we were on the edge of our seats trying to figure out what our school year would look like. For me as a PE teacher, we were to teach outside with little to no equipment. If equipment was used it must be sanitized between each class. I taught from the first day...

In the world of online dating it is a swipe left or swipe right. Swipe right means you're interested, and a swipe left means no thanks. We all judge. We judge based on pictures posted to a profile. We judge based on the information provided in a profile, or lack there of. We judge on their height, their profession, and sometimes whether they have any pictures of themselves without sunglasses or a hat on! Right now, I'm a serial swiper.  I've been open to dating and dating for at least six months now, but only got online with the famous dating apps a few weeks ago; Tinder and Bumble. Maybe I'm really still old school about how dating should be, but I feel like if you "match" with someone, the guy should be the first one to reach out and initiate a conversation. Now, if you are unfamiliar with some dating apps, there is an app Bumble, where if you match with someone, the female has to make the initial contact. However, after that initial contact, I still think t...

I have always struggled with accepting my body size and shape. I have never been Barbie thin. My entire life I have always been bigger than my friends, teammates, you name it. It has been an issue that I've struggled with for a really long time. Right after my divorce I was super thin and was working out and teaching group exercises 3 times a week...I loved the way my body looked but I still wasn't happy. While life and stress makes my weight fluctuate, I still am active and enjoy working out. I cannot wait for the gyms to open back up so I have a place to go and lift. I've been running, and even bought a new pair of running shoes. But this post isn't really about me, it's about the idea of what others see my body as. I have been open to dating recently and have been on a handful of dates...none that really amounted to anything. There was one, but it was a total friend zone kind of 6 weeks. Great person, just not the right fit. I had a date this weekend and i...

I honestly can't believe I've had 3 posts in a week! When was the last time that happened? I was siting in my 5th Google Hangout Meeting today and just started crying. I knew why, I just didn't want to admit it. I have never felt so empty about something in my life since my divorce. I would cry like this and just hope the feeling would eventually go away. I would occupy myself with things to do around the house, or running errands or whatever; but it doesn't go away. I have been really unhappy in my job this year. There are a lot of factors, but I figured I would get into the groove of things, and it would be fine. However, that feeling has not gone away. As stated in an earlier post this week, I was passed over for a position, well, I never even had a chance to interview for it, even though it was exactly what I wanted. Politics. When I accepted this position in Alexandria I knew what I was getting into as far as traveling to other schools. What I didn't know I...

I feel like I have a heavy heart going into this next week of distant learning. Everything seems to come crashing down the moment I get all the plates spinning in the right direction and at the right pace. In an instant life can change. A person can call and change the entire night based on what was said. Co-parenting is really hard some times. I think the move back has helped, but I'm back in the position of where A wants to know all of my personal stuff. While I appreciate his feedback, it truly isn't his business. After being out of a relationship for almost a year, I'm ready to date again. It's not like I have people lining up outside my door asking me for my number. People are meeting online these days. I'm open, but seriously, the whole trusting part is getting the best of me. I had someone ask me if I would be happy if I never found someone  to live the rest of my life with. While that question caught me off guard, I didn't hesitate to answer; of ...

While I know this title for this post is cliche, it has been the theme of my life since almost a year ago. I loved my job, had amazing co-workers, but was away from family. A job opportunity came my way and I struggled to know if it was the right move. Was it something that I really wanted? The move would be better for K and the ability to co-parent, but I needed to feel value in my career. I had all of that from where I came from, and was hoping to find it here. As the year has progressed, I have been through a gauntlet of emotions, roller coaster of life events, and attempting to navigate the new normal. I used every available tool to get a grip on my new position; to be the best I could be. I have a passion, which is why I went back to school. I feel my passion dying and fading. Not because I don't like teaching, but because I don't feel connected. I have that feeling of being forced to play a sport that I'm really not passionate about. I remember growing up and bein...

There have been a lot of changes the past 4 months.  2.5 year relationship ended, which I'm still struggling to find peace with. Long-distance relationships are hard. Harder than anything I've ever had to do before...well, driving 200 miles a day was pretty exhausting and taking 25 credits was a little over the top. However, long distance takes work and effort. It's easy to get into a routine and live your life without your person in it every day. On my way to work today I had this sense of hurt on my heart. The scars are resurfacing. The scars from 6 years ago. The scars from 10 years ago. The scars of incompatible relationships. The scars of not feeling like I'm worth the time to be put first. By no means do I believe that I'm above anyone else, or need the title of being a princess. Every person deserves to feel as though they are valued; whether it is valued as a co-worker, partner, friend, or coach. This applies to all ages....everyone deserves to feel worthy...

These last few months have brought about quite a few changes....let me break it down for you. 1. I moved....long story...I'll get there 2. I have a new job....this correlates with me moving 3. New house 4. I decided I needed to do what was best for myself and K..this will be vague for obvious reasons. Number 1 - Moving I received a call at the end of July in regards for an elementary opening in Alexandria School District. I was more than ready to go back to Mora for start of year #2 as the health/pe and Empowerment of Women teacher. I was offered the position, and accepted it. With that being said, I had just sold my house 6 weeks ago, which meant I was literally homeless. The housing marking is sky-high and a sellers market. I really didn't want to take steps backwards and move back in with my mom and dad.  I searched for house rentals, apartments, the works. It just didn't make sense to spend that kind of money and not get any equity out of it. I've become a b...

I've been at this blogging thing for a little over 10 years. This was before blogs were even super popular. And while I don't opening share my blog on my social media, the people who read it have been avid readers and I appreciate you! I think my need for privacy, even though I'm posting this online, is likely due to my careers: law enforcement and teaching. As I logged onto my Blogger account today I noticed I had a draft titled, "Year 1 done!" I opened up the post and it was completely blank. WOW....I was either distracted by something or just needed a break from all the school stuff. But I did make it through and have a job for next year. Year 1 is always a learning experience from what I hear from veteran teachers. I hope to maybe someday write a book about, "What college DOESN'T teach you about being a teacher." However, I was fortunate to connect with an amazing online group of teachers through a Teachers Helpline Facebook group. There were ...

I have had the opportunity to binge watch some old favorites on Hulu this past weekend due to illness on my part and then Miss K with strep for 2 days. It got me thinking about a lot of things. 1)My future 2) My past 3) Happiness 4) Life 1. My future: This has always been a struggle for me. I've always thought of the positive and negatives of large decisions, but I also take into account on what others will think. Now with being "tied" to another 1/2 I feel as though my decisions on making my life better are always determined by him. I do everything in my power to move on and be the best version of myself, but never feel like anything will ever be good enough. Not a good enough relationship, not a good enough career, and definitely not a good enough mom. I don't do enough for her, I'm not doing enough STEM activities at home with her. I don't cook enough home cooked meals during the week for her, and I don't make a cold lunch everyday. These inse...

If I gave myself a dollar for every time I said, "Wow, time really flies by!" I'd likely have my student loans paid off. I haven't written a post in over 6 months, since my last post was June 11th. But once again, I have been busy...because who isn't!?! No excuses, but I have held back a little bit due to my new position and getting the feel for my new digs, new location, new job, new friends, new routine and all that jazz. Well, if you hadn't figured it out by now, shortly after my last post I was offered and accepted a position teaching full-time health. Exciting right!?! It was. It was absolutely the most amazing thing to ever experience hearing over the phone, we would like to offer you a position. It is even more amazing when you get the offer the same day of the interview, and even better when you left the interviewing thinking to yourself, this is where I need to be. This is where my career should begin. In my previous post "Where Have I been...